Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
