After last night, I could never be a politician.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
