I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
