i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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