I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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