***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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