New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
