(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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