just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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