I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Dick very happy bro
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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