guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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