And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
