i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
