You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
porn star boner night. come get it.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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