Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
