he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
