Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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