I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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