i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
