I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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