He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
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