I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
