Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
