Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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