you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
