we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
