dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
