she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
