My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
wanna go halves on a baby?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
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