Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
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I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
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Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
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