so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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