She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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