Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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