At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
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You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
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so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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