Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
