I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
