I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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