peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
We are two peas in an std pod
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
