sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
two words...techno handjob
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
