She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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