The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
