I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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