I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
