the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
