halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
