Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Acid is not a monday night drug
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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