Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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