i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
