Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
