I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
