I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
