did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
