If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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