I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
