you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
It was confusing and full of hummus
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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