what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
sarcasm needs its own font
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
