Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
