You really coming over, don't trick.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
