Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
