I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
